The text of Kathleen's post that she deleted is here. The reason that I'm putting ithere is because she vehemently denies that this post has anything to do with me, however anyone who knows even a little about me will see that the circumstances and the timeline fit me and my life perfectly in sync that it's pretty amazing that she has a friend who is living the same life as me (except with a evil boyfriend vs. my great fiance!) and never mentioned the similarities when discussing things going on in my life. For example when i proposed to Mr. San Diego she never said, OH! I have another friend who just did that! You get the picture. I'm also including her response to my post and my response to that which will be my last interaction with her only because it is silly to go back and forth like that.
Friday, April 4, 2003
Sometimes You Can't See The Forest For The Trees
Why do I always end up people's therapists?
My buddy Judy (named changed to protect the misguided) called me last night to drone on and on about her deadbeat boyfriend Jim (name changed to protect the shady). However, she doesn't see him as a deadbeat. Judy and I aren't all that close - I mean, close enough that she knows my home phone number, but we speak on only an occasional basis, so I am removed enough from her situation to see it.
She knew Jim through friends (they hung in the same circles) for a few years and knew all about how he was a lying, cheating blowhard. Despite the fact that she knew he had cheated on several girlfriends - women she knew - they began dating each other (I believe he may have still been with his old girlfriend when they began dating, but I'm not positive). She lived a little over two hours away from him in Northern Florida, and he lived in Southern Florida. They saw each other basically only on the weekends - and over the first six months or so of their relationship, they would alternate traveling to see each other on the weekends. Once he got her hooked, however, it was more and more she who had to do the weekend traveling.
After about six months or so, she decided she was so in love she kind of forced the idea of living together on him. He was all for it - as long as she was the one who had to give up everything. He convinced her that they needed to live in his part of Florida and even managed to convince her it was her will too. So, she had to give up her living situation, being local to her friends, and take on an almost four hour round trip commute. He gave up his apartment and just moved across town. When it was suggested they split the distance, that was just out of the question. So, she makes that drive to work everyday. (In her defense, she is really too vested in where she is right now to change jobs equitably.)
After being together about a year, and bugging him to get married, she proposed to him and he romantically said, "Okay". No rings. No nothing. She tried to pass by me the old "we don't need rings" deal, but come on... very few girls really don't want a ring. Since then she's been reading bridal magazines, scoping out places, and even purchased her wedding dress already. He's done nothing but pacify her with his complacent answers. And, then she decided they should start looking at houses - and she's done all the running around on that too.
"Oh, but he's great. He's changed. He's wonderful." No he isn't. She is so blinded by her need to be loved by anyone, she is totally blinded to the fact that this guy had always been a slimebag and always will be. People don't just change overnight and every woman thinks she can be the one who changes their man... If he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had, he's going to cheat on her. Does she think she's special? Different?
Also, she cooks dinner after her mammoth commute and he shovels it in to his mouth in front of the TV or in front of the computer, and spends a great amount of time online. He'd rather spend time online than with her. Come on, now. Why is it that everyone (not just me) can see it and she can't? It's a matter of her being too close to the situation (and blind), and being one of those people who "needs" someone so much that she refuses to listen to that inner voice in her head that keeps raising red flags. It's normal to hear that little voice once in a while when dealing with people, but every step of the way?
But, it's not my place to point these things out and, like with the moving south situation, she doesn't want to hear it, even when it's something as simple as, "Why don't you split the distance?". So, why on Earth would she listen to me about anything else. And, like I said, it's not my place. But man, I hope, reality bitch slaps her soon, because I'm sick and tired of listening to how wonderful she thinks this dead beat is.
Argh.
I feel better now. That's all the things I can't tell her, but needed to get out before I exploded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HER RESPONSE TO MY POST:
First of all, I don't "know" you from a hole in the wall. Sure, you can kind of know people when you read about them, but only as much as they wish to let you in. That being said - why on Earth would I talk about you or your relationship? I am not, nor have I ever been, a person who intentionally sets out to hurt anyone - especially not someone I've never even met.
If you identify with something in my post, well then I'm sorry you feel insecure about things, but I can't control that. And, of course, my life is so small that I would sit and expound on YOUR relationship? That's just silly. I've got my own to worry about. I can say that this post honestly had nothing to do with you - but you've made your mind up. You believe it already, so that'll fall on deaf ears.
Was bringing up Vegas supposed to hurt me in some way? Or by calling the man in my life a "figment of my imagination"? That's not really taking the high road you extolled yourself for taking.
And, if the worse thing I've done in my relationship is throw a hot cup of coffee - not at him as you dramatized, but just threw it - then I think we're doing just fine. Your vindictive post, without knowing the facts, was uncalled for, and set out only to do EXACTLY what you accused me of doing - making grandiose assumptions about someone you don't know.
I'm sorry you've had a tough, complicated life - who hasn't? Please make sure you know the facts before attacking others. I would never call you out for going home to live with your mother - I did that for a time myself in my adult life - or for wanting to be in a healthy relationship - who doesn't?
In hindsight, perhaps, the story of my buddy may have reflecting qualities to your own life, but really, you flatter yourself by thinking I would devote so much space to you when I don't even know you. Sure, I read your site and enjoy it, but the story of your life doesn't have me conflicted. It's entertainment, just like all blogs are.
You could've straightened this out by dropping me a note and, if you found it so offensive, even though it had nothing to do with you, I would've pulled it out of respect for another human being.
You were petty and I'm so glad you think you've got me all figured out. Maybe you could help me, because I'm not perfect, and I'm still learning about myself every day.
Your post made me literally sick to my stomach. That a stranger could be so hateful and so vindictive is just beyond me. You have made certain assumptions about me, my life, and my relationship that you have no way of knowing, and that's exactly what you gunned me - erroneously - for doing to you.
I entertain with antidotes from my life and others I know, and when it stops being entertaining for you, then you don't need to come by anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY LAST RESPONSE:
If it had nothing to do with me, which you and I both know is bullshit... come on, Kathleen, the timelines and EVERYTHING fit everything I've done in my life for the last 18 months exactly... why did you delete the post? How you could say all of those mean things about someone important to me (AND me!) for no reason, I'll never understand. I do not claim to have you all figured out... quite the opposite, I can't imagine why you would do what you did... you can deny that you were talking about me all you want, but that's ridiculous.
Why would commenting about Vegas hurt you? You're the one who lied to me!!! Down to the description of my hotel and who you supposedly gave an envelope to. An envelope that was supposed to hold passes to a race you KNEW I wasn't going to...
I suppose it's vindictive to call you on the fact that you said evil things about me, if it is, well, then my post is vindictive. It was intended as a response without being passive agressive and using fake names. If you didn't like me and thought I was so stupid, you should have just faded away. You're right, my comment about the coffee and your "mystery man" were nasty I guess you were more successful than I wanted to admit so I let myself be nasty back. That was wrong.
Nothing could be settled. You could pull whatever post you want, and an email wouldn't have changed anything because you had already made your views of me perfectly clear.
I guess you now know how I felt when I read YOUR post, because I too felt sick to my stomach... that described it perfectly. WHile I already knew that what I had originally thought about you and the possibilty of a friendship would never come true, this came as such a shock that it DID take me a couple of days to calm down enough to address it.
We can go back and forth on this if you like, but the fact is that we will never resolve it, so I will move on and I assume you will do the same. Maybe we will both learn from this experience.
Friday, April 4, 2003
Sometimes You Can't See The Forest For The Trees
Why do I always end up people's therapists?
My buddy Judy (named changed to protect the misguided) called me last night to drone on and on about her deadbeat boyfriend Jim (name changed to protect the shady). However, she doesn't see him as a deadbeat. Judy and I aren't all that close - I mean, close enough that she knows my home phone number, but we speak on only an occasional basis, so I am removed enough from her situation to see it.
She knew Jim through friends (they hung in the same circles) for a few years and knew all about how he was a lying, cheating blowhard. Despite the fact that she knew he had cheated on several girlfriends - women she knew - they began dating each other (I believe he may have still been with his old girlfriend when they began dating, but I'm not positive). She lived a little over two hours away from him in Northern Florida, and he lived in Southern Florida. They saw each other basically only on the weekends - and over the first six months or so of their relationship, they would alternate traveling to see each other on the weekends. Once he got her hooked, however, it was more and more she who had to do the weekend traveling.
After about six months or so, she decided she was so in love she kind of forced the idea of living together on him. He was all for it - as long as she was the one who had to give up everything. He convinced her that they needed to live in his part of Florida and even managed to convince her it was her will too. So, she had to give up her living situation, being local to her friends, and take on an almost four hour round trip commute. He gave up his apartment and just moved across town. When it was suggested they split the distance, that was just out of the question. So, she makes that drive to work everyday. (In her defense, she is really too vested in where she is right now to change jobs equitably.)
After being together about a year, and bugging him to get married, she proposed to him and he romantically said, "Okay". No rings. No nothing. She tried to pass by me the old "we don't need rings" deal, but come on... very few girls really don't want a ring. Since then she's been reading bridal magazines, scoping out places, and even purchased her wedding dress already. He's done nothing but pacify her with his complacent answers. And, then she decided they should start looking at houses - and she's done all the running around on that too.
"Oh, but he's great. He's changed. He's wonderful." No he isn't. She is so blinded by her need to be loved by anyone, she is totally blinded to the fact that this guy had always been a slimebag and always will be. People don't just change overnight and every woman thinks she can be the one who changes their man... If he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had, he's going to cheat on her. Does she think she's special? Different?
Also, she cooks dinner after her mammoth commute and he shovels it in to his mouth in front of the TV or in front of the computer, and spends a great amount of time online. He'd rather spend time online than with her. Come on, now. Why is it that everyone (not just me) can see it and she can't? It's a matter of her being too close to the situation (and blind), and being one of those people who "needs" someone so much that she refuses to listen to that inner voice in her head that keeps raising red flags. It's normal to hear that little voice once in a while when dealing with people, but every step of the way?
But, it's not my place to point these things out and, like with the moving south situation, she doesn't want to hear it, even when it's something as simple as, "Why don't you split the distance?". So, why on Earth would she listen to me about anything else. And, like I said, it's not my place. But man, I hope, reality bitch slaps her soon, because I'm sick and tired of listening to how wonderful she thinks this dead beat is.
Argh.
I feel better now. That's all the things I can't tell her, but needed to get out before I exploded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HER RESPONSE TO MY POST:
First of all, I don't "know" you from a hole in the wall. Sure, you can kind of know people when you read about them, but only as much as they wish to let you in. That being said - why on Earth would I talk about you or your relationship? I am not, nor have I ever been, a person who intentionally sets out to hurt anyone - especially not someone I've never even met.
If you identify with something in my post, well then I'm sorry you feel insecure about things, but I can't control that. And, of course, my life is so small that I would sit and expound on YOUR relationship? That's just silly. I've got my own to worry about. I can say that this post honestly had nothing to do with you - but you've made your mind up. You believe it already, so that'll fall on deaf ears.
Was bringing up Vegas supposed to hurt me in some way? Or by calling the man in my life a "figment of my imagination"? That's not really taking the high road you extolled yourself for taking.
And, if the worse thing I've done in my relationship is throw a hot cup of coffee - not at him as you dramatized, but just threw it - then I think we're doing just fine. Your vindictive post, without knowing the facts, was uncalled for, and set out only to do EXACTLY what you accused me of doing - making grandiose assumptions about someone you don't know.
I'm sorry you've had a tough, complicated life - who hasn't? Please make sure you know the facts before attacking others. I would never call you out for going home to live with your mother - I did that for a time myself in my adult life - or for wanting to be in a healthy relationship - who doesn't?
In hindsight, perhaps, the story of my buddy may have reflecting qualities to your own life, but really, you flatter yourself by thinking I would devote so much space to you when I don't even know you. Sure, I read your site and enjoy it, but the story of your life doesn't have me conflicted. It's entertainment, just like all blogs are.
You could've straightened this out by dropping me a note and, if you found it so offensive, even though it had nothing to do with you, I would've pulled it out of respect for another human being.
You were petty and I'm so glad you think you've got me all figured out. Maybe you could help me, because I'm not perfect, and I'm still learning about myself every day.
Your post made me literally sick to my stomach. That a stranger could be so hateful and so vindictive is just beyond me. You have made certain assumptions about me, my life, and my relationship that you have no way of knowing, and that's exactly what you gunned me - erroneously - for doing to you.
I entertain with antidotes from my life and others I know, and when it stops being entertaining for you, then you don't need to come by anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY LAST RESPONSE:
If it had nothing to do with me, which you and I both know is bullshit... come on, Kathleen, the timelines and EVERYTHING fit everything I've done in my life for the last 18 months exactly... why did you delete the post? How you could say all of those mean things about someone important to me (AND me!) for no reason, I'll never understand. I do not claim to have you all figured out... quite the opposite, I can't imagine why you would do what you did... you can deny that you were talking about me all you want, but that's ridiculous.
Why would commenting about Vegas hurt you? You're the one who lied to me!!! Down to the description of my hotel and who you supposedly gave an envelope to. An envelope that was supposed to hold passes to a race you KNEW I wasn't going to...
I suppose it's vindictive to call you on the fact that you said evil things about me, if it is, well, then my post is vindictive. It was intended as a response without being passive agressive and using fake names. If you didn't like me and thought I was so stupid, you should have just faded away. You're right, my comment about the coffee and your "mystery man" were nasty I guess you were more successful than I wanted to admit so I let myself be nasty back. That was wrong.
Nothing could be settled. You could pull whatever post you want, and an email wouldn't have changed anything because you had already made your views of me perfectly clear.
I guess you now know how I felt when I read YOUR post, because I too felt sick to my stomach... that described it perfectly. WHile I already knew that what I had originally thought about you and the possibilty of a friendship would never come true, this came as such a shock that it DID take me a couple of days to calm down enough to address it.
We can go back and forth on this if you like, but the fact is that we will never resolve it, so I will move on and I assume you will do the same. Maybe we will both learn from this experience.
posted by Jenn at
8:21 AM
